Thursday, December 10, 2009

Elvis Costello King of Cool

By Colt

In recent years Chuck Norris has become the image the world things of when in thinks of bad ass. He has received Internet fame that is generally reserved for adult film stars and cats that can dance to a Kelly Clarkson song. Norris Facts include such tid bits of vital information as "Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the Earth down", "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, to bad he never cries", and "If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you do". I will not argue with this(because Chuck Norris would kill me with Swiffer Duster), but he is THE bad ass. I submit that Elvis Costello is the Chuck Norris equivalent of cool. Other possible contenders would be George Clooney , but he was in One Fine Day which just barely lands him the silver medal; Frank Sinatra, is dead but lives on; and Don Draper\Roger Sterling who are fictional and therefore lose by default. Listed below are some of the reasons why Elvis Costello wins.

#1 Elvis Costello wrote a song so amazing that only God can hear it.
#2 Elvis Costello is haunted by the ghosts of George Harrison, John Lennon and Buddy Holly just because they want to hang with him.
#3 Elvis Costello's hat was used by Odd Job in Goldfinger.
#4 Elvis Costello's glasses are made from the windows of Superman's crashed space ship.
#5 Elvis Costello wrote the national anthem for every country that ever was.
#6 Elvis Costello won World War II with a saxophone solo.
#7 Elvis Costello wrote an entire three act opera using only one note.
#8 Elvis Costello dreams in HD.
#9 Elvis Costello is a vegetarian who can grow a Sirloin Steak from a tomato seed.
#10 Elvis Costello songs don't get downloaded they get carved in marble on your hard drive.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

They Might Be Giants, but I was the one who felt out of place

A few weeks back Maggie had to go on a weekend training retreat. This left me home alone. I enjoy my alone time and try to make the most of it. I go see movies that Maggie has no desire to see, get take out Maggie would not like, watch whatever I want to on TV, and try to get out and enjoy the city. This particular weekend I read in City Weekly that They Might Be Giants were doing two shows in Salt Lake. One at the Depot on Friday Night and a Matinee Saturday at the Murray Theater. I purchased my ticket for the Saturday matinee at a discount price and was excited to see TMBG.

I arrived at the theater, parked my truck and walked to the end of the very long line that had formed. While I made this sojourn to back of the line I noticed something was strange. There were kids in line for this show...lots....and lots of kids. I figured that well, this is a matinee perhaps parents are just kids along for fun. I have seen kids at late night shows for the Aquabats and Flogging Molly so it makes sense there would be a lot of kids there. As I stood in line longer it became clear that every adult was attached to a child in someway...except of course for me. This was the beginning of my feeling awkward.

I entered the theater and took my place among the general admission audience. The band has released two children's CDs that talk about things like science, colors, and proper nutrition. I had no idea of this I just wanted to hear Build a Little Birdhouse. There were kids going crazy for songs I had never heard of. I have had fun at children's concerts before. One of the most fun times I have ever had was at a DJ Lance Rock ,from YoGabba-Gabba , concert. I jumped my sillies out, and sang along to Its a Party in My Tummy along with my wife and the several hundred other adults and teenagers there. However, being at a children's concert all on your own is an irony of a different color. I tried to make myself appear less strange by texting my Maggie and my cousin Britta. I was fairly sure that parents thought I was a child molester. This made me uncomfortable.

The saving grace of the concert was that they played Particle Man and Istanbul. The streamers were fun, and I will buy their albums when I have kids. The other highlight was the sang a song about evolution called Your Friend the Ape, and there was a mom in a BYU sweatshirt making her kid cover his ears. This alone might have been worth the price of admission.